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The Chinese Miss Jesus

"Eastern Lightning" has found the Jesus! Who happens to be Chinese woman.


It is like Christianity 2.0, or Judaism 3.0. It’s the Church of Eastern Lightning, and they are pretty radical. They figured out the clearly obvious truth that Jesus is currently a Chinese woman. This revolutionary new Christian branch was started in 1989 by a man named Zhao Weishan who discovered that god returned as a Chinese woman. That woman is Mrs. Deng from Hunan Province, the Bethlehem of China. She has now even authored a third, and arguably best, testament to the bible yet. No one knows what she looks like as she has never been photographed and lives in rural seclusion, likely to keep the hordes of miracle-seeking followers at bay.

For those who know the bible well, this should come as no shock as Matthew 24:27 says, “For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.” This clearly states that there will be a Chinese son of god, aka Jesus. So, if the bible is correct, which it always is, this new Christian light will soon make its way to the West.

Like all great religious movements, Eastern Lightning has come under scrutiny and persecution. Bothersome little organizations like the Peoples Republic of China claim that it’s a “cult” and certain “humanitarian organizations” have besmirched the good name of Eastern Lightning or “Church of Almighty God” as it is also known. Some people claim the the church destroyed their family, which is a good bet since they are required to abandon all non-believers. Sure some people leave their families (and taken vast sums of money) never to be seen again but that was just what god wanted them to do, obviously.

That previously mentioned PRC, claim that because of socializing, interviewing, and educating (or kidnap, torture, and brainwashing as they call it) somehow Eastern Lightning should be viewed as  a “dangerous organization”. It is possible that the 2002 extended forced sleep overs of 34 leaders of the China Gospel Fellowship for two months (aka kidnappings) could have been misinterpreted for the worse (David Aikman, Jesus in Beijing).

Despite the growing popularity of “The Church of Almighty God” it for some reason has not been accepted by the other Christian organizations in China. One christian publication called charisma.com claims they are “China’s most evil cult”. They accuse EL of “kidnapping, beating, torturing, poisoning, bribing, sexually compromising, even killing.” Just because a few (33) visiting Christians were locked in rooms, poisoned and tempted sexually does not mean anything. That is just a good ol’ Eastern Lightning welcome package. Alas they were poor guests who left only twenty days into the welcoming ceremony.

This progressive, totally not a cult, religion also faced the voice of naysayers and the wrath of the Chinese government with their completely original prediction of December 21st 2012 being doomsday, but thankfully their fervent prayers and devotions saved them and, one can only assume, all of us.

Despite the difficulties of all these harsh labels “The Church of Almighty God” has been growing and is now at over one million members. Mostly thanks to the willingness of open-minded peasants who have not been hardened by the lies of “education”; they have been the main converts to Eastern Lightning.

With the unstoppable progress of Eastern Lightning it is clear that the passionate new Christian message with a Chinese woman Jesus will soon make believers of people in the East and the West. In the name of the Father, the Daughter, the Kidnapping, Amen.

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