Spring Festival is supposed to be festive, but it is not for a twenty-something laowai like me: a mediocre language student with little income and, the worst part of it, a single female with nobody to cuddle-up with. I don’t want to be lonely like last year; I glued my face to CCTV, bought a huge pack of cheese Doritos and sobbed my way through Celine Dion’s gala performance. Whatever, Celine you sucked. My life sucked. Winter sucked. Spring Festival sucked!
Anyway, I’ve noticed a lot of Chinese youngsters are advertising for Spring Festival Girlfriends to bring home for New Year. And guess what? Maybe the girl they want is me. I think I have a lot to offer and here is my message:
Dear high-quality bachelors,
At first I came to Beijng to be free, but then I realized how lonely I felt, spending Spring Festival without anyone by my side. I’m looking for love, and I think we could be perfect for each other – a match made in heaven.
I know, I know, I am not Chinese – it might be a big deal for your parents to accept me. But I can be a superior girlfriend… I speak Chinese fluently. Many ayis think my Chinese is very good, or even that I’m from Xinjiang. Since you see, I don’t look too white, nor do I look black or like a typical Chinese, so I must be from Xinjiang. But really I speak Chinese really good. I would even show your parents my HSK certificate if they ask me.
I am far from the classic beauty standard of a Chinese woman; I’m not a baifumei. My skin is not as fair or flawless like Fan Bing Bing’s, I’m not a real estate billionaire like Miss Yang Huiyan, or neither am I as pretty as Zhao Wei, but I know I could make my way to ensure your parents that I’m the right one for you!
We can say that we met at Harvard, or during your business trip in Hong Kong. We fell in love at the first sight that I decided to follow you to China, to pursue my destiny, and our love story has been like a fairy tale ever since.
Believe me I can be a superior girlfriend. I can GPS you my coordinates every hour. I will take duck selfies, you can put on your Wechat profile pic. I will call you my baobei in front of everyone. I will hangout with married girls only. I will delete all contacts of my exes, both Chinese and foreigners. I will cook you all the Chinese dishes you love. I pledge allegiance to spend my weekends with you no matter what. I will send you 1000-character texts the moment I wake up as a sign of my devotion.
I will ask you what have you eaten three times a day. I will drink more tea, do yoga, believe in horoscopes, slurp,eat and cook instant noodles and eat the delicious chicken feet while we watch Titanic on our movie night. I’ll do anything you want. I’ll even let you to carry my purse in public if that makes you feel more manly. I know I’d never top your mother’s position in the family, and that I have to learn how to swim so you won’t have to save me, just in case I fall into a lake with your mother one day.
I have also attached my CV, you can be sure I have what it takes for this position.
Spring Festival Girlfriend
Seeking to obtain a position of a Spring Festival girlfriend to a solvent Chinese bachelor.
2) Dating Education
– Completed books “Asian Love for Dummies” – 2012.
– Attended therapy on every break-up.
– Attended Feichang Wurao Dating Show.
– Long Distance Relationship Beijing-Shanghai (45 days).
3) Girlfriend Experience
– 2011 with Louis Vuitton Weibo Executive – Went to his weekend parties, was exposed in every picture, had breakfast in Hong Kong, lunch in Shanghai and come back to the Jing to hit the clubs on time. Basically I blew his mind.
– 2012 with successful Chain hotpot restaurant owner – Pretending to be the big boss, visiting ‘our’ restaurants every Wednesday, as well accompanying him to his mom’s house and playing along to romantic lies about our “relationship”. Told his friends and everyone I just met about how amazing and inspirational our “love story” was.
– 2013 with a Peking University student – Responsible for standing and cheering in the background at host of events including the Math Olympics, ping-pong tournaments, debate competitions, and the badminton championship.
Skinny- (weight below 50kg), big rounds eyes (real ones, not contacts), wear natural make up (but not too much, whitening-products free), have manicures done, and can look cuddly, submissive, and cute.
5) Special Skills
– Wearing heels, cuddling, making jiaozi, singing Wang Lee Hom songs on Piano & Violin, Chinese fluency (see picture with my Chinese hanzi). I can be a good maid, cute wife, center of attention, obedient daughter-in-law, and will even dress up as a police officer.
– 100,000 RMB per day, not including Public Display of Affections (PDAs can be negotiated).
– Special Service 1,000,000 RMB for full week including full PDAs (again, everything negotiable).
– Mercedes or other high-class transport.
– Sentimental daily designer-gifts (to show you respect me).
References available on request.
I promise you a delightful lovey-dovey week, a romantic dinner with you and your family, as you like. We can even stay in a luxury resort, or ride in your BMW to watch fireworks on the countryside. Have a new year, a new beginning, and a new girlfriend to bring home. We will have a truly wonderful time. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours hopefully (Hire me!),
Sasha (Your future Spring Festival Girlfriend)
If you would like to contact Sasha, please get in touch with The World of Chinese.