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The Empire Strikes Back

Get ready China, a new government is coming. Well rather an old one that is. The Qing dynasty is back!

03·16·2013

The Empire Strikes Back

Get ready China, a new government is coming. Well rather an old one that is. The Qing dynasty is back!

03·16·2013

Get ready China, for a new government is coming. Well rather an old one, that is.  Remember the old Qing dynasty? Well they are back, and as important and powerful as ever! The Imperial Qing Restoration Organization is amassing a huge movement to reclaim the monarchy. They have a mighty force of 500 loyalists and over 5000 supporters, a true force to be reckoned with.

Their aim is simple: “the restoration of the monarchy and of Chinese national identity.”  The group claims that “Monarchy has a long history of national governance and vast experience, beginning long before republics and democracies became mainstream… They are the oldest form of government”  Because, as we all know, just like technology and dairy products, the older the better.  Besides, who really knows about China anymore, they were far more well known, powerful, and influential all that time before 1912.  Has China even done anything noteworthy, in the last hundred years?

Republics are getting a bit mainstream; come on China – wouldn’t a hip country like you want to go retro and restore the Mandate of Heaven or implement incestuous and nepotistic ruling families that can throw lavish banquets that are–dare I say, fit for an emperor? That is, after all, what the people want– a China they can take pride in, not one that has a growing worldwide economy and provides free education and health care: that’s just so passé.

Just look at the thriving monarchies of Swaziland, Brunei, or even the Vatican. These are all countries cited by the organization that showcase the benefits of the time-tested system of monarchy.  Wouldn’t China like to have the thriving economy of Swaziland, the influential export market of the Vatican, or whatever it is that Brunei does?

IQRO also desires  “to reclaim the Forbidden City as the seat of the Emperor and to begin restoration in order to preserve the city for future generations.” Which makes sense– have you seen the Forbidden City lately? It’s simply in shambles. Does anyone even go visit anymore? I’m pretty sure it’s going to fall apart within the year, if not sooner.

If you need more convincing, just ponder this clear piece of logic: “Monarchs are generally born to be Monarchs.” This is true: common folk just don’t have the pedigree to know how to host lavish banquets or even how to live in a palace– we’d likely just get lost. If only there were some courageous person who was born to be a monarch that could take charge…

You’d better believe it! There is such a man and his name is Lee Chee Chuan, but you can call him His Imperial Holiness (HIH).  He is next in line to the throne and is happy to take his well deserved seat.  He claims he will, “Protect the monuments, statues, palaces and the properties related to the monarchy from all types of attacks”.  That’s right: he will protect against “all types of attacks”, whether they be vandals, aliens, ghosts, invading statue-hating armies, and all other threats…but only the ones related to the monarchy.

HIH would also unify the people under “The Banner of  Monarchy” because we all know there is nothing that unifies people like a system of leaders they did not in any way select.  He would do the people the favor of one less thing to have to worry about, so instead of following political on-goings, they can just accept their new divinely appointed rulers.

His Imperial Holiness has this, among many things, to say: “The role of the monarchy is a big tent under which every member of diverse society can find his equal and respected place”. Yes everyone can find their place (just men), underneath the monarchy.  It’s so simple! All this time people have been trying to build these complicated political structures, when all that is really needed is an ominous tent we can all be kept under.

If, after this torrent of logic and truth, you are not convinced, HIH  asks:  “At the very least, a Constitutional monarchy[?]” — a very reasonable request that I am sure will be considered by the Peoples Republic of China, any day now.