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Zuckerberg, Xi’s just not that into you

An open letter of concern to my personal friend, Mark Zuckerberg

03·22·2016

Zuckerberg, Xi’s just not that into you

An open letter of concern to my personal friend, Mark Zuckerberg

03·22·2016

Note: This is an editorial. The views expressed are not necessarily held by TWOC or the Commercial Press.


 

Buddy, listen.

I know it’s been hard since China kicked you out in 2009, but you’ve just got to get over it. Trust me, it was hard on us as well.

Look man, we’re starting to get concerned—showing off your Chinese skills, asking Xi to name your daughter, jogging. Really, dude? Jogging? We get it. You’re fit. Whether you’re doing it to get China’s attention or doing it to stay fit, in Beijing it’s just not healthy.

You’re just not a good match for China. Let’s face it, pal: you’re a social butterfly. China is a homebody. You’re in more than 200 countries in the world, Mark. China is one of the few places on the whole of the planet that doesn’t want anything to do with you, so you should just let it go. Be with one of the countries that lets you to be who you want to be, like Uganda, or Russia, or Saudi Arabia, or probably the moon, or literally anywhere else. You’re better than this, Mark. You can do better.

I get the urge, okay? I get it. You want what you can’t have. But, as long as we’re being honest, you didn’t have that great of a relationship when you broke up in 2009. Without any warning, you got tossed out on your haunches—no argument, no reason, not even any break up sex—and all you did was fight when you were together. You got blamed for everything under the sun.

Sure, you’ve had a good time since—redesigned the layout a dozen times, you had Sorkin write a movie about you, you’ve spied on some people, you’ve fixed some “like” button issues—and you’ve made a lot of friends. But you’ve never quite gotten over China.

I know you want closure, I know you want a reason. But we’ve all being thinking about it and we don’t know what the reason is either. Forget closure. It’s time to move on. In the amount of time China hasn’t spoken to you, Community had six seasons. Six seasons, buddy. Do you remember Avatar? Yeah, that’s the last time China was speaking to you. And, much like that movie, opinions have only gotten more sour with time.

Chalk this one up to the one that got away. Don’t worry about us. We can still be friends with both of you. We’ve found ways to keep our group together, and I think we all owe a debt of gratitude to our mutual friend, Vee P. Enn, for that. She has managed, through all this drama, to keep us together.

You’re young, you’ve got a kid, you’ve got a net worth of the GDP of the Democratic Republic of Congo. You need to let this one go. Just because you and I have never actually met in person or had any contact in any way, shape, or form, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. Get on with your life. There are plenty of fish in the sea, seas that have been part of China since ancient times.

Yours in friendship,

Some Guy

 

Cover image from niaola.com