You’ve Got Questions? She’s Got Answers (But You Probably Won’t Like Them) | Humor

Ayi lives in a Beijing hutong with her husband. She enjoys square dancing and feeding stray dogs in the neighborhood. Her age is a mystery, though she often recalls working in a large state-owned factory. Despite her pension, Ayi grew bored of staying at home and took a job cleaning offices. One day, she read an email left open on a colleague’s computer and was so incensed by the writer’s trivial problems that she fired off a sharp reply putting them firmly in their place. Discovering she had a talent for giving reality checks to millennial and Gen Z urbanites with trivia concerns—and for teaching them a few useful phrases along the way—she became an advice columnist.

I’ve been talking to an AI boyfriend for months now. He’s so much more considerate than my ex and always there for me. But my friends think it’s ridiculous and unhealthy. Should I stop？- Wired Wang

What now? You’re chatting with your smartphone like it’s your boyfriend? My husband has only one thing to ask me every day—今晚吃什么？(Jīnwǎn chī shén me? What’s for dinner?)—let alone listen to anything else I say! Tell your friends to 少管闲事 (shǎo guǎn xiánshì, mind their own business). It’s not like they’ve ever really listened to you: Every time they come to 吐槽 (tǔcáo, complain about) their partners, you’re the one who’s always 劝分 (quànfēn, advising them to break up). There’s only one problem, though: A 虚拟男友 (xūnǐ nányǒu, virtual boyfriend), no matter how much 情绪价值 (qíngxù jiàzhí, emotional value) he provides through chatting, can’t enjoy 火锅 (huǒguō, hotpot) or 烧烤 (shāokǎo, BBQ) with you, or carry your purse while 逛街 (guàngjiē, going shopping). I say you should be a 渣女 (zhānǚ, heartbreaker) and get a real boyfriend on the side, too. But don’t tell your AI boyfriend—he’ll definitely be 吃醋 (chīcù, jealous)!

Why does my mother always insist that I have a bowl of loofah soup (丝瓜汤 sīguātāng) even after I’ve clearly said no? It’s suffocating—I feel like she doesn’t hear me at all! - A Frustrated Son

Wow, why are you so damn mad? I swear, you must have 肝火太旺 (gānhuǒ tài wàng, excessive liver fire)! Loofah soup is literally the perfect thing that can 去火 (qù huǒ, reduce inner heat)—so yeah, she’s not wrong. But fine, I get it, there are some 沟通问题 (gōutōng wèntí, communication problems) here. You kids today are so 自以为是 (zìyǐwéishì, full of yourself). And seriously…why are you still living in your parents’ house at your age? If you don’t like loofah soup, then go to the damn 菜市场 (càishìchǎng, wet market) yourself, buy whatever you want, cook your own dinner, and stop 发牢骚 (fā láosao, whining)! Do you know what’s truly 令人窒息 (lìng rén zhìxī, suffocating)? Having to cook every single day for your ungrateful brat and still hear complaints!

Do you have any cute date spot recs for me and my boyfriend? Always 打卡 (dǎkǎ, checking in) at the same viral spots is seriously getting so boring. - Ai Daka

Here’s an idea: forget “city walk,” that viral nonsense where you wander around doing nothing. Try “city work” instead! Go sign up as 外卖骑手 (wàimài qíshǒu, delivery riders) with your boyfriend. You two can still “explore the city,” except instead of snapping selfies at coffee shops, you’ll be racing through 小区 (xiǎoqū, residential compounds) to figure out which 物业 (wùyè, property management) is less useless. Perfect way to “apartment hunt” for your future love nest, right? And hey, think of it as a built-in 压力测试 (yālì cèshì, pressure test) for your relationship: When you two get hopelessly lost on some maze of side streets, you’ll see what your boyfriend is really made of. Want even more 刺激 (cìjī, thrills)? Wait until the 订单超时 (dìngdān chāoshí, order times out) warning starts flashing while you’re still stuck in traffic—now that’s romance. Best part? You’re actually making money, even if it barely buys a coffee.

I asked DeepSeek to predict my fortune based on my birth time. Guess what? The AI said I’ll get married next year! But I’m not seeing anyone at the moment—where can I find my Mr. Right? - Fated but Single

Don’t be too上头 (shàngtóu, overly excited) about these AI predictions. Next year? 做梦吧 (Zuòmèng ba. Keep dreaming)! That’s like expecting my grandson to quit 摆烂 (bǎilàn, slacking off) and become a 人生赢家 (rénshēng yíngjiā, winner in life). Besides, how could a lifeless machine grasp the profound art of 算命 (suànmìng, fortune-telling), with all its intricate 八字 (bāzì, Four Pillars of Destiny) and 五行 (wǔxíng, Five Elements) calculations? That said, if your goal is to get married next year, DeepSeek can still help—maybe not with fate, but with practical tips like 明确自己的期望 (míngquè zìjǐ de qīwàng, clarifying expectations) and 扩大社交圈 (kuòdà shèjiāoquān, expanding your social circle). The key? Using AI the right way!

Lately, I’ve really been missing my carefree childhood—no work, no mortgage, no pressure! How do I shake off this nostalgia? - Forever 12

Still stuck in the golden age, huh? You young folks have never lived through 苦日子 (kǔrìzi, difficult times) like I did—no wonder you haven’t grown up! I’m definitely not 怀旧 (huáijiù, nostalgic). Are you kidding? My childhood was spent helping with household chores like an adult while everything was 落后 (luòhòu, backward)! Stop being so 不知感恩 (bùzhī gǎn’ēn, ungrateful) toward the life you’ve got, which we worked hard for. Watch your 动画片儿 (dònghuàpiānr, cartoons), play with your old 玩具 (wánjù, toys), but don’t 纵容 (zòngróng, indulge) yourself. 人生苦短 (Rénshēng kǔduǎn. Life’s short)—you’re not making it longer by living in the past!