Learn the best (and worst) ways to propose in Chinese
Deciding to get hitched is one of the most significant choices someone can make—like opening a magic door to a new life as a husband or wife. So, you should probably take care with how you knock on said door. You don’t want to knock too meekly and you certainly don’t want to go barging through. The goal of a marriage proposal is to obtain one word: “yes.” And if you really want to get it, you’re going to need more than the obligatory ring and a fancy candlelit dinner. You’ll need the right words to go along with it.
Obviously, there isn’t a standard template for a proposal. Your little speech can be romantic or realistic, dramatic or calm, serious or humorous. As Deng Xiaoping once (apparently) said in reference to the best model for China’s economy, “It doesn’t matter whether the cat is black or white, as long as it catches mice.”
The “bossy-boss (霸道总裁，bàdào zǒngcái)” style is definitely one of the most popular types of proposal nowadays. For this, we can blame popular TV romances aimed at women, featuring powerful, masculine, and sometimes overly controlling men. Toughness is supposed to be the new sexy and a seemingly non-negotiable proposal represents (on TV at least), deep and sincere love.
Bossy-boss: Listen to me. I’ll say this only once and won’t take no for an answer.
I want to marry you.
Do you need to think about it that long before agreeing?
If you propose to someone like a mob boss looking for protection money, there’s always a (high) chance your partner might say “no” and walk away
A “bossy-boss” shows confidence, so using an imperative sentence structure is, well, imperative. And remember: never wait for the answer. Honestly, it’s a risky move because, if you propose to someone like a mob boss looking for protection money, there’s always a (high) chance your partner might just say “no” and walk away. There’s not a whole lot of wiggle room afterward.
The 暖男 (nuǎnnán), or “warm man,” on the other hand, is just the opposite: gentle, sweet, always knowing the way into your heart. They’re considerate of their partner all the time and know everything about them. As such, their proposal style features, inevitably, a promise to take care of their partner forever. Much like a state-media editorial or an evangelical preacher, they usually start off with a statement that they are the only ones who truly understand their beloved.
You are struggling in this city, renting a small apartment, working hard. I know it isn’t easy.
Please let me take care of you in the future. I can make you happy. Will you marry me?
But that sort of cloying emotion is enough to make some reach for a barf bag. So, when it comes to the 文艺青年 (wényì qīngnián), or ”artsy youth,” being a sweetheart isn’t good enough. Their proposal is poetic and spiritual—the soul, destiny, the completion of life itself, all feature heavily. If you’re waiting on a proposal from this sort, get ready for some famous quotes.
People say “marriage is the tomb of love.” But if I could take you with me, I would go there without hesitation.
I know what you’re thinking: Tomb? Really? You and me in a tomb? Hang on, the gushing isn’t over.
It was the 500 glances that we threw at each other in a previous existence that led us to each other in this life. It’s destiny that I met you. You are the other half of my soul. Will you marry me?
For some, that sort of thing is romantic; others, well, prefer their suitor to eschew the dead body metaphors altogether.
Of course, you can’t expect such a poetic presentation from everyone. In the past, marriage could even involve trading the female party for cattle or land rights, and getting engaged today can still be practical, political, and economical. Nowadays, a pragmatic proposal over breakfast, though unromantic, at least takes some of the pressure off:
Maybe we should get married. Then, we can have breakfast together every day.
I said we should get married. You see, right now, you rent an apartment and I rent another one. If we get married, we can live together and save half the money.
In the past marriage could involve trading the female party for cattle or land rights, and getting engaged today can still be practical, political, and economical.
This style is extremely risky. First of all, you need to make sure that she knows you’re joking (note: you should be joking). You should also know for sure whether or not she’s the type of girl who really wants a ring, flowers, all that nonsense and, most importantly, how much money you can get out of subleasing that extra apartment.
The last type of proposal is that of a dramatic speech, the key ideas of which are as follows: I love you; I need you; I can’t live without you. This is also the realm of the diva—countless candles, a thousand roses, playing guitar, singing loudly, shouting up to your partner’s balcony. The more onlookers this proposal attracts, the better.
Hey, can you come down? I have something important to tell you!
At this point, the partner on the balcony can probably figure out what’s so “important.” Happily or reluctantly, the soon-to-be-proposed-to goes down, if for no other reason than to spare their neighbors the noise.
Your partner waiting below takes a deep breath, then kneels down suddenly.
Please marry me!
Onlookers applaud, whistle, and kick up a fuss. The pressure mounts to almost unbearable levels. Now, if you say no—whether it’s because you don’t really like them or because they’re an idiot who just spent a month’s salary on roses—you’re letting down not just your partner (in the most publicly humiliating way) but everyone in the crowd too. Yet some can still stay strong:
Can you give me some time?
You might think you’re out of the woods for now, but a (perhaps foolishly) persistent partner will stay on their knees and say:
If you don’t say yes, I won’t stand up!
Well, at least that shows commitment. So whether you choose to propose to your beloved with a ballsy business pitch, a bullying betrothal, or a romantic cry for public attention, be prepared to get an answer you don’t want—and to kneel for a long while.
“A Not-So-Modest Proposal” is a story from our past issue, “Romance.” To read the entire issue, become a subscriber and receive the full magazine. Alternatively, you can purchase the digital version from the iTunes Store.